I just can't be everything to everyone

and I have a problem with that. Who has the time? I certainly don't.

I'm trying to prioritize. And you know what? In the end, it's come down to me being selfish. I don't think I've ever in my life been selfish about this until about a year or so ago. I think after 32 years I deserve to be a little selfish with my time.

I've always given everyone else my time. Everyone else has always come first. To the detriment of my own children. Not so anymore. I need my time with my family. I need my time with my kids. I am now back at work full time (have been for a year and four months) and I see my children, five days a week, for two and a half hours a day. That kills me! Two and a half hours before bed time. And do you know what that two and a half hours consists of? Making and eating supper, bath time, pajama time and story time. If we are lucky, someone pulled something out of the freezer ahead of time and supper didn't take more than 30 minutes to make, and we get time for a walk or a family game or some family cuddle and watch cartoons time before bed.

I think that gone are the days when I give up most of my evenings for others. I am no longer a Unit Guider with Girl Guides, I can't give up two of those five 2.5 hour evenings anymore for that.

I still do a little too much. I still edit, photocopy and fold our church newsletter (along with my husband). I still play ball hockey (although, that's for me!) with my team. And I have a full time job that I LOVE and am unwilling to give up.

but you know, this leaves me with holes. I don't have a ton of time to devote exclusively to my friends or family anymore. I hardly ever see my parents, sister or brothers, or my brother's families. I hardly ever talk to my best friend in Halifax. Not even email. (she's busier than I am though!) I hardly ever have time for my best friend who lives a 7 minute drive from me! I really don't have time for my other friends either. In fact, if they don't play hockey, I basically don't see them.

And yet, I still have people who place demands on my time. who tell me that they've missed out on things because *I* didn't make them go. Because *I* couldn't be bothered apparently. Well, it's not my fault that you didn't go someplace just because I didn't go. Take some responsibility for your own actions! I am finally taking responsibility for mine. No, I can't be everything to everyone. I am finally coming to terms with this.

I have two small children who need me. They need me to take walks with them, play in the sand with them, comfort them at the end of the day. they are my priority. After them comes my husband. He only gets second place because if it comes down to it, the kids can't cross the street on their own and he can. :-P So, they win out.

After that comes my family. My family is going through a tough time right now. Everyone is stressed out. Everyone is taking on too much. My Dad is sick and possibily needs surgery for his pinched or severed nerve in his neck. He also possibily has oral cancer, and is going for another biopsy in April. My Mom is stretched way too thin between her Mom and doing too much for her kids and Grandkids. This is a huge source of stress in my life. I want my family to be fine. And they aren't.

Even my in-laws aren't doing that great. My FIL does too much, and my MIL still isn't recovered from her two palsey attacks from last October. We are trying to help out there as much as possible too!

I also want to be there for my friends. Friends make your world awesome. Friends are the family you choose for yourself. Friends are the people who stand by your side when you need someone, and no one else is there. I want to be there for you guys too, but I'm sorry, you come third in my world after my immediate family and my extended family. I love you guys, but you come third. So many of my friends have just had brand new babies and are feeling the hard times that comes with no sleep and shifting priorities. Some are going through what I did two years ago, and feeling what it's like to have a toddler and newborn at home. I want to support you guys.

Some friends are going through major family upheavals. Divorce. New loves. Losing your spouse. I want to be there for you too. But don't blame me when I can't be there. I am there for you to the best of my ability. It's not my fault that things are going on in your life. So please don't make it seem like it is. I'm trying. Please accept my support. But I can't make your life better. Only you can. You might have to wait until your new baby sleeps better. I can't make that happen, as much as I'd like to. You will have to deal with grief over a loss. I can't heal that. I can support you. I can offer hugs, someone to talk to, moral support. But in the end, you have to deal with your emotions. I can't change them. I'd like to. But God did not see fit to imbue me with that power. the only person that can change you is you. It's up to you how you want to live the rest of your life. I can give you 50 million suggestions, but you have to act.

That being said, another friend of mine has invited me to her Saturday morning Weight Watchers Group. I really want to go. I gained a lot of weight AFTER having my second child. Like 40 lbs. I need to take it off. It's affecting my health, as well as my mental well being. My back aches all the time because of this extra weight. I'm not happy with myself, which affects my relationships with those around me. I need to do this for me. No one can make me do it, although it would be nice to live with a food nazi for a while. Art and I are both bad for the snacks.

I need to be everything to myself for a while. I need this for me. Once I am ready to take on the world again, you'll all know. Then I'll be back to my regular self, painting your houses, running a Sparks group, getting my kids to their different activities, teaching Sunday School, being involved in the Doodle's school, being involved in things at work, running with my friends, playing hockey... all those things i normally do (minus the school stuff, that will start in September when the Doodle starts Kindergarden!) and want to do. I'll be able do them again. I just need some time for me.